Resistance to Assistance

On Spetember 8th, 2008 Chris shared the struggle she is experiencing with her Father in providing him with the assistance she feels he needs and she poses a question:

"I struggle with anger with my father every day. He is insistent that he is fine and doesn't need help. Part of it is cost and part of it is he isn't aware of his own needs. How do I help someone that doesn't want help? I know he is struggling and I worry about his safety at home."

Thanks Chris for your comment and question. You are definitely not alone in this experience. As adult children, we may see changes in our parents’ abilities, and feel the natural desire to assist them and assure they remain safe. From the aging parent’s perspective this may be viewed as helpful, but it may also be viewed as scary, painful, and embarrassing. They may be noticing changes too, but do not want to share their concerns for fear of losing their independence. In other situations, where cognitive deficits may be emerging, the individual may not be aware of these deficits. In cases such as these, the individual will not be able to understand why you are trying to help them with everyday tasks they have always taken care of by themselves. As a result they may become angry or resentful and resist your assistance.

In both situations mentioned assessement is key. A physician assessement to determine the cause of the changes noted thereby guiding treatment and care. In cases where dementia has already been diagnosed ongoing assessment is also important to allow for staging of the individual's dementia. By staging your Father's dementia you will be able to better determine the specific areas where he requires assistance. This "filling in the gaps" type of approach is often better received rather than taking over everything for the individual, which can make them feel as if they are losing control and independence resulting in resistance and refusal.

Additional ideas that may decrease resistance to receiving help and services include:

• Avoid asking “Dad do you want me to do this?” Instead say “Dad we are going to….I have it all taken care of.”
• Limit the amount of details offered. Too much information may be overwhelming. Provide only the information that the individual needs to know.
• Share the information as close to the date and time it will be needed (i.e. the day of). If information is provided too far in advance, the individual may become overly focused on it, resulting in assumptions being made, inaccurate information being shared, and increased anxiety and worry which will result in the individual refusing the help.
• As an adult child, be prepared to for go their “stamp of approval” They may not be aware of the assistance required to keep them safe.

Perhaps others have thoughts on this subject. Please share any thoughts, ideas, and experiences about how you have handled similar situations.